What is it about kids that sucks the va-va-voom out of your sex life?
Granted the actual act in itself is the precedence for the arrival of the children themselves, but what is it about the arrival of these mini-mes that means the pause, or end, of passion in the bedroom? Of course we are tired, and busy, and sometimes self-conscious of our baby-ravaged bodies, but in the olden days, we would run late, stay up til early morning, skip work and do it in the dark just to get a bit of nookie in! What is it about parenthood that places such a strain on our sex lives? And what can we do about it?
Reasons Why Some Couples No Longer Have Sex
The main reasons most couples cite for not having sex once kids start arriving include:
Everyone is tired. Mum’s tired from running around after kids all day and sometimes getting up to kids at night. Dad’s knackered from working all day and then walking into the chaos that is dinner/bath/homework/bed time at the end of the day. There comes a time in everyone’s relationship where comfy PJs and an early night are so much more appealing than a physically exerting romp in the sack!
A lot of men have reported that their perspective of their partners change, especially straight after childbirth. Love deepens and they come to see them as the mother of their child, not just a sexual being. A lot of couples feel they cannot be as kinky or adventurous once they have kids, feeling an obligation to be responsible and ‘straight’ in the bedroom now they are parents.
Mainly affecting those who have just had a baby, a lot of couples are resistant to having sex again for fear of getting pregnant. The only true contraceptive is abstinence after all!
The Kids Themselves
In some cases, the kids themselves are getting in the way. If your child co-sleeps with you, this can cause hesitation as most parents aren’t comfortable with ‘doing it’ with them in the bed. If you have children who tend to wake up and come into your room a lot, this can also ruin the mood.
But before you resign yourself to a life lacking intimacy now that you have kids of any age, there are some strategies to adopt to make sure the most important relationship in your family is taken care of.
1. Consider relocating.
Chances are when you finally get to bed, all you want to do is sleep. Any venue around the house will do, as long as it’s got a door and is kid-free! Re-christen the couch, the washing machine or even the outdoor setting!
2. Make nap time, nookie time!
If your younger ones go down for an afternoon nap on the weekend, use this bit of quiet time to get busy! Then hubby will be happy to help you with the chores you usually reserve to get down at nap time.
3. Look and feel good.
A mini makeover — new clothes, new underwear or a fresh hairstyle can do wonders for self-confidence. Feeling great usually puts anyone in the mood.
4. Set a date.
Plan a romantic dinner, a snuggle on the couch with a movie or buy your partner a special treat to get them feeling appreciated.
5. Go to bed together.
Separate bedtimes usually shuts the door on any opportunity for intimacy as the one who turns in early will inevitably be asleep by the time the other gets to bed.
6. Make the effort.
You may have fake a little before you make it, but putting in a little bit of effort will go a long way. Just getting things started will often set things off on their own tangent!
7. Talk about it.
There is no harm in having a break from sex if it’s something you both feel you need. It’s far better to communicate with each other and explain your feelings than have the other feeling rejected and hostile.
Ultimately, having a sex life and being a parent are not mutually exclusive; you can have one WITH the other. The most important aspect to remember is that happy parents mean happy kids, so taking a little time out for yourselves to reconnect benefits everyone.