Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Does anyone else get 'penalised' or made to feel guilty by their family just because they have/earn more?

We just went on an easter holiday with my husbands family. When paying for accomodation, we paid then FIL said to my SIL (right in front of us) I'll just pay for you. He bought all their groceries. SIL kept taking his ph to use coz hers is a pre-paid and she doesn't want to use it up. FIL gave hubbys sister all the inheritance and jewelery when his parents died. Hubby got notjing. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but they've been like this with her pretty much her whole life, they've bought her cars that she's trashed, they've given her one of their cars and pay the rego and insurance on it, she just takes stuff from them that she wants. FIL keeps saying she has it so tough and he feels sorry for her. But it seems the more we have the more he compensates her. Whenever we buy anything she always asks "how much was that?". We bought a new car recently and FIL told us not to tell her coz it will make her feel bad!! Contd in comments

Report

Got an Answer?


Answers (11)

To put it into perspective, you're jealous of a 42 year old no hoper chain smoking pot addict that cant manage her own finances and has to ask her daddy for a dollar.
Let it go, you do you. You're winning at life and she is not.

 You saw this on dr Phil
helpful (0) 
 Saw what on doctor Phil?
helpful (0) 
 Dr Phil has answers for everything
helpful (0) 
 Don’t ever use the j word you fucken white trashy wh**e
helpful (0) 

Well, I understand where you are coming from op. This is exactly what my parents went through. The kids that chose to live shitty lives and sponge off grandparents got it all and my parents worked 60 hr weeks to get by and got nothing.
So my parents give us all equal. If my siblings ASK for handouts I get gifted the same amt. I always tell my parents thank you but I don’t need that. But they refuse to be like the parents so always make life fair for us. I respect that. So I see where you are coming from and guess I’m lucky my parents are considerate and respectful of my not asking.

Yes my husband and I are high earners, I am a pilot he is a doctor. We studied hard and spent large portions of our time together doing distance to further our careers. My sister who is a nursing degree but hasn’t nursed in 11 years, she is 40 and still so dependent on my parents, my parents buy her groceries clean her house pick up her kids feed her kids, way beyond any normal grandparents, yet she has been bitchy about us having the money, because we can afford to take overseas holidays, because we can afford ivf with just our savings. My brother also makes snide remarks about us being able to afford stuff although he has grown up a lot lately. Honestly it is to the point with my sister I just don’t even interact with her and live in another state from my family so I am not seeing the excessive amount my parents do for my sister nor am I or my family subjected to the comments and jealousy. We have plans to upgrade our cars in 5 years to maybe a velar or a discovery sport or a jag fpace and I have already said to my husband if we ever drive to see them we should hire another car to hide our actual cars.. my husband doesn’t car though.

OP Thanks! Im glad someone understands what i mean. It's not that they get hand outs its the way we are treated for being able to afford the life we have
helpful (0) 
 I'm not a high earner, probably only 38k a year. My non working sister who methodically pops out kids every 7 years so she doesn't have to work, has not worked ever in her whole life, is complaining about the lack of baby bonus for this new baby that's on the way, really runs everyone else in my family down for working and makes really nasty comments about the fact that we work. She'll hit my other sibling up for cash as they earn about 75k and my parents as well, and her kids grandparents & says the kids will go without if you don't give me money for this or that, and she gets so angry when someone purchases something for themselves that she doesn't have, and she'll run you down for taking a holiday saying weird things like "you just want to keep up with the Jones's" or "you have a champagne taste on beer budget".
She's actually a piece of work! But she doesn't want to try and provide for herself... Arghhh

helpful (0) 
 You a pilot ? 😂😂😂
helpful (0) 

They feel guilty that her life has not turned out better and blame themselves so overly compensate for it, so many parents do it. Not to start a war or anything but its very common in families where the parents have worked a lot or were absent for some reason. My MIL is the same with one of her kids and even told another child to stop talking about how well she was going at uni because the guilt tripping child gets upset about it 😂. Its pathetic, you just have to let it go.

Contd.... SIL is 42, has a secure, full-time job that she loves. She owns her own home and her and her hubby are chain smokers and her hubby is a big drinker as well as addicted to pot so they have the money for all that! Surely they can afford their groceries and camp fees! Hubby and i work our asses off!! Hubby has a very stressful job which takes him away a lot. I take care of all the house and kid stuff as well as working a part-time job and a casual job. I HATE that it's seen by hubbys family that its a bad thing that we can pay our own way or buy a new car. We've created a nice life for ourselves, on our own, no handouts, lots of sacrifices, i dont think we should be made to feel guilty for that.

 How come you feel guilty?! What exactly have you been made to feel guilty about? Are you not being Uber sensitive
helpful (0) 
 You also seem tired and stressed and I think you should focus on your own happy life than your unhappy SIL. Seriously, how much pain must she been in if she is addicted to something so unhealthy. Ps your hubby is making the money, not you. Yes it’s a partnership, your SIL is working Fulltime and clearly struggling, sure I don’t know all the details, but I’m pretty sure you aren’t providing parts about where you get the most expensive car , so why should someone pay for your holiday. It is a blessing not an obligation
helpful (0) 
OP I don't expect anyone to ever pay my way for anything! My point is, my SIL is not as bad off as she makes out. We bought a 2nd hand 4x4 and were told not to tell her coz it would make her feel bad! It's always about how she feels and despite constant hand outs she still honsetly believes she is entitled to anything she wants and if she cant afford it or doesn't want to pay for it that her parents should. I don't feel guilty but hubbys parents make out that we are lucky and she's hard done by. Yes hubby earns the main $$$ but even he says he couldn't actually do his job if i wasn't around to take care of everything else. We've been together since we were 17 so everything we have we have decided on and accomplished together, supporting each other create the life we want
helpful (0) 
 The reason I brought up the person earning the money, is are loads of SAHM mums doing what you are doing.. you are likely not working harder than a lot of other mums though your hubby earns more. I say this being in your shoes. Your post went on and on about what SIL gets, what she should do or be able to do, but had little on why you are made to feel guilty. Now you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty, but I also see respect in your FIL looking out for your SIL feelings and that’s where I see you as being sensitive. Yes it sucks, but if it bothers you, then point out next time he says to not tell sister about car, that that just isn’t right and that you didn’t purchase it to hurt her feelings in the first place so why should you feel guilty about it. If parents make out that you are lucky, then maybe you are, compared to the average person, or sister instead. Again, correct and say you also make a lot of sacrifices and life is tough though it might not seem obvious to an outsider
helpful (0) 
 Everyone has different needs, you could do with a break, and ask for it. She could do with understanding and an awareness that she is doing her best in her situation, she is clearly under financial stress if she is using a phone, I have a feeling parents have seen more insight into this than you guys, perhaps she has been breaking down and overwhelmed to them. They are her parents and she probably feels more open to share, especially if she has a hubby who is not helping as well.
helpful (0) 

It sounds like she is the favourite. And it often happens in families where one or more kids are successful, and one is a no-hoper, that the no hoper is the favourite. You can see it in childhood when the kid that will be successful later is strong and hard working, the one that will be the no-hoper is a whingy, whiny lazy one, and constant excuses are made for them. Maybe the parent feels sorry for them, and that sticks through life. They still get given everything when grown up because the parent perceives them as still needy. Effectively they have been trained to be like that. They could win lotto and they would still have their hands out.
Effectively they get repeatedly bailed out early on and get taught to be dependent by rewarding that behaviour.
It is astounding how many families have favourites and unfavourites.
I dont think there is anything you can do about it.
I know how you feel.
You just have to let it go, hard as it is, because it rankles ALL of the time.
Or keep away from them.

He probably molested her when she was young now feels like he had to do all those things to keep her quiet.

OP Funny you should say that! Hubby was molested for years by a male relative living in their house and FIL didn't do anything about it and won't even deal with it now all these years later.
helpful (0) 
 It's a possibility. Unfortunately. Some parents shouldn't be allowed to have children. I hope you guys can work this out, maybe the pain isn't worth it.
helpful (0) 

How about you turn your attitude around and just feel proud and humble you don’t need extra help from fil? It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to make you feel guilty.