Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

In situations where dad is not around, do you let his parents see your child/ren?

My ex's mum made my life hell for getting pregnant, but now bubs is here she wants to be in the child's life. I have said she can visit occasionally, but she wants to have the child with her, at her place.

Report

Got an Answer?


Answers (8)

I would tell her she can visit baby at your house or meet somewhere and rethink visits at her place when baby is older, say 2 or 3. I would not let her have him without you until then.

I would check to see what the laws around grand parents rights are first before deciding on any contact. If you let them establish a relationship they may be able to fight for partial custody or object to you moving states etc in the future. Be careful and know your rights first.

My patents divorced when I was about 8 and my father went in search of a new wife in SE Asia and I didn’t see him for years. His new wife was super jealous and didn’t want him seeing us, so he didn’t. Anyway, that’s off topic. We were close to his parents and still maintained a relationship with them. They lived in another state and they would pay for or our airfare once a year so we could visit during the Xmas school holidays. Even though I had a non existent relationship with my father I’m so glad it didn’t effect the relationship with my grandparents. My mum and my grandparents were adult enough to not let personal feelings get in the way of that.

Depends on the dad situation really. My kids dad sees our kids under strict supervision, his other kids are in state care.
If I let his mum have them at her place she would invite him around for sure!!! Even though they can’t stand each other and there are dvos in place protecting his mum, dad, step dad plus more from my ex they work on the United front to outsiders.
They wouldn’t be safe with my ex there, not sure about their safety with her either.
So no for me.

You can’t let anyone’s opinion on her sway your decision, every situation is different

I've been (and still am) on the flip side of this. We don't get to see my younger brothers kids. We had a good relationship with the mother even after their nasty breakup (full disclosure, my brother was being a piece of shit and was hitting her). We were understanding of her insecurities regarding having the child at any of our places. Fair enough. None of us were in contact with him at the time anyway (he had threatened all our safety as well). But we understood where she was coming from, and were trying to arrange a meeting for my mum and other siblings and I so we could see the kids. Then one day her family decided to post all over Facebook about how we didn't care for them (the kids) and what kind of pieces of shit we were and blah blah blah. For no apparent reason. Whilst she didn't openly comment on it, her silence, and her actions spoke volumes
This was over 10 years ago. I've tried, again and again over the years to see my nieces and nephews. Each time I've been harassed and abused by her family. So I've given up. Obviously these kids are growing up hearing about how "awful" we are. Our only hope is that when they're older, they'll seek us out and we'll have the chance to get to know them.
What I advise is, regardless of your relationship with their father, and regardless of his flaws, please try and keep your opinions away from their little ears. And try to at least not blame his family for his mistakes. Even if you decide to go ahead and limit their access. I respect the way this woman is parenting (in that she is only doing what she thinks is best for her kids), but as a person, I don't think she's very good. And I think one of the biggest mistakes she's made has been alienating her kids from their relatives, and exposing them to her families lies and nad attitude. At the end of the day, no one is perfect. My brother has since become a completely different man. He now holds down stable employment, he gave up drugs and alcohol, and is planning his wedding to a really lovely woman. He has other kids too and a stepson who he just adores. His other kids won't have the opportunity to meet their half siblings though.

 Hahaha *bad attitude
A nad attitude does sound a little nuts (pun intended)

helpful (0) 
 Thanks. I would happily let the dad see his daughter, the issue is how awful his mum was. I was with my ex for a while and decided I wanted a child. He said no so I said ok an ended the relationship. He changed his mind and I got pregnant. He changed his mind again and did a runner. His mum yelled at me several times for trapping her son. I want my daughter to know her family, I'm just not sure I can trust her grandmother.
helpful (1) 
 Ah see, very different circumstance then. I think in your shoes I wouldn't allow unsupervised visits yet. But I would make an effort to have a meet up somewhere neutral where she can meet and play with the baby. But that's me.
helpful (3) 

Yes. Long story short. Anyone would understand why i wouldnt allow my inlaws to see my 3 kids. But i look past the hurtful words, the name bashing, the blame they put on me/spread about me and i know without a doubt that they love my 3 children. Their fight is with me, and i them. I do not and would not imvolve my children. They therfore have access to my children. But they know that i have to be there, that they are being watched and im guarded. They know the feisty protective mother i am. There love for my kids is what keeps them in line. I know they are not capable of hurting my kids, its the opposite they spoil them to much. But they are wary of my attention to the detail. So for the sake of their love for my kids and vice versa. They can see my kids on a regular basis.

Depends if you trust her and if dads not around, why isn't he? Would she want baby at her place to get dad around secretly? Just go with your guy instinct whether you want your child there or to see them at all

I would allow her to visit the baby with you there until the child is older, say two. It's about the baby, if she is a positive influence in the child's life then all the better. My kids have a beautiful relationship with the grandparents and every child deserves that. Plus it's hard being a mum it's always useful to have a loving person to leave them with for a break now and then.