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Parenting disagreement over a decision my husband has made about his daughter.

My husband and I each have two children from previous relationships. He has two older girls and I have a much younger son and daughter. All kids live with us full time, we all get along fairly well most of the time. My husband's oldest daughter is 18 and has been with her boyfriend for nearly a year, and she has asked if he can sleep over, her dad said yes without consulting me. I really feel it's in appropriate, as there are younger children in the house. I don't mind him coming over when there is no one home, but sleep overs are not happening. It's causing huge fights, I don't know how to get him to understand it is a big deal, and I don't want my kids exposed to that.

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Answers (33)

Not really a parenting disagreement as she is not your daughter. She’s 18 ffs. Stop being precious. What kind of fu***d up person would encourage an 18 year to move out of home for a relationship. I hope her dad sides with her on this, if not he needs to grow a pair. All your strict rules sound ridiculous! You are not the only person that lives in your home.
No doubt you would allow your own children to have boyfriends/girlfriends stay over by this age.
Lame excuse using your kids as a scapegoat... you sound butt hurt that he didn’t consult you, I can see why he didn’t

 No, he needs to grow a pair and parent his daughter correctly.
helpful (1) 
 I would absolutely not allow my kids a boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over at that age!
helpful (1) 
 You’re as ridiculous as she is then, good luck having a great respectful relationship with your kids into adulthood! You’re both UNREASONABLE
helpful (0) 
 ^My parents stuck by their guns, raised us well, a little strict, but uncompromising on their stance. Loved us, but disciplined us and certainly did not allow anything like this. In the end, I respected my mother for it and have a fantastic motger/daughter relationship with her now as she did what was right for us, not give in to our every whim just because it was what we wanted. I am actually grateful to them now even though at the time I wasn't. I will be raising my children similar. Maybe not exactly the same, but similar. So thanks for your "input" but I will stick to my actual parenting.
helpful (1) 
 Exactly. Too many people want to be their kids friends rather than parent them.
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You husband should consult you on family issues like this situation.

However my mil made my partner and I sleep in separate rooms when we came to visit (3hr drive, lived together in our own place). It was ridiculous. Her youngest (only 5yrs younger than myself) had gf sleep over since he was 17/18 which we found an insane double standard. It was about control for her, so we didn’t visit much, her loss. Don’t be her. Be better. Talk to your husband about family decisions and how you need to be involved in those decisions. He sounds pretty reasonable, good luck, genuinely.

Lady, she is 18... I feel you are being a little over the top here. Saying “she can have an adult relationship when she moves out”, is ridiculous. What’s your real reasoning for disagreeing with your husband, because surely it can’t just be “I don’t want my kids exposed to this”. Exposed to WHAT exactly?

I think you are just unhappy that your husband made a decision without you!

How young are your kids? If they see him in the mornings their innocent little minds probably just think he had a sleepover like school friends do. You are way over thinking this.

 Hmmm, um no.
helpful (1) 
 Hmmmmm yeah, you are
helpful (3) 
 She is the only one that is thinking of the children. He clearly is not.
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 Again - how TF does that affect kids in any way?? is he in some way perverted? Is he a pedo? If not then stop overreacting
helpful (0) 
 Of course it does. You obviously do not have a daughter, and if you do, you are certainly not teaching her very good priciples or standards by your way of thinking.
helpful (1) 

What did you say to your little snowflakes when you started having sleepovers all together (you & your partner) is he the only partner you have had since splitting with your kids other parent?
This is a bit ott

 Maybe they got married before staying at each others house? Maybe because thet are at least double their children's age? Maybe they went about things differently?
helpful (1) 

The legal age to have sex is 16.
Trust me she doesn’t need him to sleep over for them to have sex.
I think you are overreacting.

 Its not about the stepdaughter its about Ops kids
helpful (1) 

She’s 18, definitely old enough. I assume they are not going to be shagging on the kitchen bench while your children are playing in the lounge room.
Make sure they know that pda are a no go.

Or you could just leave 50 condoms in a big bowl beside her bed to try embrass him into never returning 😉

OP Also old enough to move out if she wants an adult relationship.
He is allowed to stay late on Saturday nights, just not stay over. I have a rule no guests after 7 on a Friday night, and after 3 on Sunday, she doesn't think it should apply for him.

helpful (0) 
 What do you mean by adult relationship? You do know that there is a 99% chance they are already having sex right? Are you just upset that your husband made a decision without consulting you first?
helpful (9) 
 Of course, that is what the post is mainly about. Of course he should consult her first on such a serious matter!
helpful (2) 
 Yes thats the point duh. It affects her children as its in their home
helpful (1) 

What are they exposed to exactly? Will your stepdaughter and her boyfriend be having sex in the lounge room? I’m assuming you and your husband have sex in your bed when your kids are in their beds? What are the exposed to there? I’d agree with you if she was bringing home a new guy every weekend. But he’s her steady boyfriend.

 She is allowed to have him in her room, but that's not ok for the others to have to see he is still there in the morning. She can have an adult relationship when she moves out.
helpful (0) 
 She’s an adult now though.
helpful (4) 
 Then she can get her own place.
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 So you think you need to leave home before having an adult relationship?
helpful (7) 
 Yes. I am with OP. Inappropriate.
helpful (1) 
 Sounds like you're just super keen to get rid of her & this is you're perfect excuse.
helpful (11) 
 So they can have sex during the day but not during the night? That makes no sense? What is the issue with him being there the next morning? I just don't understand.
helpful (3) 
 I honestly think this woman is very spiteful. There’s a hidden motive here that may even be hard for her to admit to herself - I think she could be jealous of the great relationship dad and daughter have or she just wants the daughter out of the house and this is the perfect excuse
helpful (3) 
 She doesn't sound spiteful at all. She really does need to rethink her relationship with her husband, though. It sounds like they have different values. I actually feel sorry for them both. That's why these things need to be talked about and discussed before you start bkending families. It's not hard. Each person knows what their non-negotiables are.
helpful (0) 
 And I don't think it has anything to do with her husband and his daughter's relationship at all.
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I think you’re being completely unreasonable and ridiculous. I have a 6 year old and a 16 year old, Ive just started allowing the teen to have a girl for the night on weekends if he wants,
she’s 18 not bloody 13!
and so what if your kids see him in the morning?? Just say it’s her ‘friend’ and stop being so precious and over emotional about something that shouldn’t be a big deal

I really don't think it'll affect the children that much. She asked her dad if it was okay and he said yes.
I let my kids have kids sleepover all the time without consulting my husband, unless I know we have plans. Sometimes they will ask him and he will say yes or no without consulting me.
I'm sure your adult step daughter will be appropriate in front of the other children

You sound like one of those furbaby parents who try and tell real parents how to look after children. Unless you have raised kids to adult hood you have no fricken idea. You are in for a world of hurt once your kids get older.

 You sound like you enjoy arguing, but don't have anything intelligent to say.
helpful (2) 
 Lashing out cause the truth stings a little doesn't it?
helpful (1) 
 That's actually offensive though to people with furbabies. Just because someone doesn't want to bring children into this shitty world and has furbabies doesn't mean they are less of a person
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 Furbabies 😆😆😆 u people are ridiculous you know that right?
helpful (1) 

Jesus you sound like a real barrel of laughs to live with. She is 18. I doubt they’ll be getting stuck into it at the kitchen table. Ask them to be polite and respectful and mindful of the younger kids and I’m sure they’ll be fine. What an awful situation for your husband to be in - his ADULT daughter has had the respect to ask his permission and you just shut it down. I feel for your stepdaughter, husband and younger children. It’s not like she’s 12 years old.
Sounds like you have some big issues you need to deal with so you can touch base with reality a bit.

 Her husband will be in a more awful situation if his teen daughter falls pregnant and her boyfriend wants to move in. I see where OP is coming from. She sounds way more responsible and better parent.
helpful (1) 
 Sounds like OP is responding to these comments
helpful (2) 
 No, it actually isn't. I know because I made the comment above yours and I am not OP, I just happen to understand where OP is coming from and an shocked at most of the answers on this thread. Everyone jumping up and down "she's 18!" Yeah, do her and her boyfriend study? Work? Are they going to be able to support themselves if she falls pregnant? Are they taking responsibility for their lives?
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I think once they are 17/18 years old and have had a steady partner then it’s not unreasonable to expect they would want them to sleep over. Having younger kids in the house shouldn’t be an issue, having a partner is a part of life, it’s not the end of the world

This is pretty pathetic

 Yes, most of the answers here are pathetic. Apart from the few sound answers, I am shocked at the majority of parenting! What are they teaching the younger kids? What kind of father is he to allow his teenage daughter to have a boyfriend sleep over?
helpful (1) 
 I’m sorry but what are you teaching to your kids to be ashamed about? High pregnancy rates are to do with making things natural, be taboo and unnatural.
helpful (4) 
 She also not a 15 year old bringing a different guy over every Saturday. She’s an 18 year old with a serious boyfriend.
helpful (5) 
 It’s because of prudish parents like yourself I was forced out of home at 16 and became pregnant - so NO being strict and unreasonable on your part when she is 18 already is ridiculous and spiteful
helpful (1) 
 You can't blame your parents for you getting pregnant, because your boyfriend wasn't allowed to sleep over.
helpful (1) 
 ^^^Agreed! What a ridiculous statement! It is because of her own actions she got pregnant! (and the other party of course). She could have just as easily fallen pregnant with her parents allowinv boyfriend to sleep over. Omg. Smh.
helpful (0) 
 But could a 16 year old buy condoms without money or take themselves to a Dr and get the pill without parents consent? Probably not. That's the difference with living with family and living on the streets when you're a kid. I was homeless at 16 it is not easy.
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 You chose to have unprotected sex.
helpful (1) 
 Teenagers have sex, whether it's protected or not.
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 You can't blame your parent for your bad choices.
helpful (2) 
 You can blame your parent for their bad choices that lead to your bad choices though.
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 ^This is called playing the victim.
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I understand this ladies situation. Basically let's eliminated the new hubby and kids for a moment. In her parenting situation, she may not have permitted this. So, given that she is now in a new situation with hubby and his kids, would have appreciated the consultation. Now it's almost like because the older kids are allowed, her kids will be allowed to have the same thing happen when their turn comes around (or cause a big spat if mum says no later). Whether we think this lady is 'prudish' or not and that the kids are rooting anyway doesn't matter to me - a parenting decision was made that in one way or another immediately impacts the whole family, and sets the tone for future situations for her children - and no consultation or discussion took place. I'd imagine that if I had a hubby and step kids of varying ages I'd be hoping to sit down to have a conversation with hubby about setting general expectations etc. for ALL. Not a 'my kid your kid' thing. OR if anything came up, that it would be discussed together first so that we'd be a team on the matter and save our arguments / disagreements behind closed doors.

 Very well said.
helpful (0) 
 But she is not exactly being comprosing , I interpreted her last two sentences as very hypocritical
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 Thanks. None of the kids can have anyone sleep over, be if I let one I will have to let them all.
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 So the truth comes out? Oldest will only be allowed a sleepover when she’s 42, and yours is 18? Or when she is 25 and yours is 8?
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 18. Adult. It's not like he is letting a 13 year old have boyfriends sleep over. We have mixed kids of all ages, he does his and I do mine it's the only way it works. And we both let adult children make their own decisions whether they live with us or not, the only time we expect to be consulted is when it's something that affects our household like a pet or a party. Friends and partner's can come and go as they please as long as they are respectful of the house and there have been no issues at all.
helpful (1) 
 Having friends sleep over is very different to having her boyfriend sleep over.
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